In searching out my heart and mind to find out how God deals with us as His children, I'm absolutely sure the answers can be found in the Scriptures to help me, not only be a better parent, but a much better person.
My only desire at this point in my bible studies is to radiate God's love to all those in my life pleasing God to my fullest ability. A lot to hope for but not untouchable. I feel God pulling at me...It's time in my life to absorb all his teachings. I need to feel complete and I know "that" only lies at the end of the Bible.
And in the beginning...
My View of God
As a little girl God was like a "Santa Claus". I spent two years with the nuns at St Mary's Orphanage (I believe it was called). Although I have no real feeling of what God meant to me at that time, I did have so many Angels of Mercy to give me a pure love and joy, but most of all the "right stuff" for a strong foundation in being a Christian. As my life continued, I was torn away from God and his influence, and my need to communicate with Him was like trying to touch the moon. I had no real knowledge of prayer. Prayer could have been such a blessing to me at such a vulnerable age.
I knew God was there--I had had positive signs of a guardian angel, and I always felt SAFE because of an innocent feeling of God's arms being warmly wrapped around me. So, I must say my first thought of God is --
All Knowing. There's no escaping his eyes (and as a child might think--"You better watch out, you better be good").
Fear that God will set you in your place, and yet a
Forgiving God who finds pity on a humble soul
But mostly I view God as my heart and soul. God is reflecting like a mirror on all our souls that are reaching out to know him.
God is like a warm security blanket. With prayer he will protect us from the cold. Sometimes I think of God as the Universe and the earth is His heart. I can also feel God's presence in my tears and laughter. I know He suffers when we do.
Balanced View
I feel a balanced view of God is necessary so we never forget to "give". If we all viewed God as "All our prayers answered and only Good then we would be taking, taking and forgetting to return--taking advantage. Our world would be evil. The world would not fear God if he were always "handing out favors" sorta speaking. It would be taking Him for granted and allowing ourselves to slip into the temptations at hand merely because the fear of displeasing Him would never worry anyone. I know God has many lessons in life to teach all of us. I can only pray God is as forgiving as I believe Him to be.
How does my view of God determine an eventual relationship with him? Hopefully my view is preparing me to be a "complete" person. To be all that I can to reflect God's love to those touching my life. Preparing my soul (not a departure from this earthly existence, as much as) the real life to come. God touches our lives in many ways. It is up to us to follow His touch to the end of the road. The Yellow Brick Road so that eventually, if I have chosen that right road, God will let me put my arms around him forever.
Why are we content with a vague understanding of Him? Truthfully, I'm not content or I wouldn't be reaching out to find him at every corner of my life. Bible study is a seeking step for me. I know God is "here" but I feel the spiritual touch needs strengthening and nurtured so I no longer question why things bad and good happen.
Through study, over and over I see how God relents. We must deal the same in our lives. Look to a child's heart. Relenting can come easily for us also.
We must always live by our words. Our children are always watching and all our teachings are lost on them is we slip along the way. God is loving, but just-judging!
Authority
God's authority is as total as we each admit it to be in our lives. Each second ticks on with a purpose. God holds our lives in the palms of His hands whether we follow the rules or forsake them. God has the only final solution.
Our authority in life is over our children. It is given only through God---freely, and hopefully not to be abused since our childrens well-being is at stake. It is our responsibility to guide our children in the right direction, developing all their good qualities as though God were raising us as His child. To teach them that God loves them, Jesus suffered for them, and show them how to reach out and touch their hearts to God.
I'm not really sure why God states and restates his authority. I can only suppose he wants every generation to know His words. His authority can't be seen visibly as our earthly fathers authority--many unfortunates must have visible proof of God's existence in order that they believe any such authority rules their lives. So maybe God restates His views overly because He must overcome those such individuals. We are all like sponges and His words and teachings are like drops of water. We can absorb a lot but water evaporates and needs replenishing.
Authority comes hard for me because growing up I felt unloved. This feeling caused a severe lack of self-respect and confidence. Maturity came in my late twenties. Even now authority is not an easy task for me. With my children I'm easily taken advantage of in the obedience department. I may discipline them for bad behavior, but I give into them, more than not, before their punishment has been completely met. I'm weak!
In my case, I've never felt God's POWER as much as I have felt His continual grace. Because of this I feel His authority has touched me through the feelings of total awareness in Him, knowing He is always there to help. (I know I always will be there to help my children--how could I turn my heart away from my kids?) I know His power is TOTAL. But I believe in God not because of His fearsome spiritual presence on this earthly plane, but more so because of his continual love.
My husband is the authority in our home. I feel I answer to him in almost everything of importance. It seems I am nagging him continually about not getting the kids to respect "my authority" over them. He is frustrated with me, I'm sure. Sometimes I feel I just need his encouragement. I suppose my confidence as a mother is always questionable (to myself).
When I don't use authority with the children I start feeling "walked on". Also I start loosing my patience because of the frustration. Why can't my kids act like I did as a kid? My parents never had time for kids--but I didn't rebel and turn rotten on them. Now that I think of it, the reason was FEAR. I was scared to death of what would result if I back-talked or displeased them. So, God's "FEAR" and power must have good results, too. And my children act towards me as thought I were just the dog bugging them. They start tuning me out when my authority over them flounders.
so...God restates His authority to keep our hearts, minds, and souls "tune in" to Him.
Food for Thought
How do I apply God's presence in the death of a close relative? I know God is there like a mist surrounding that person. What I have had trouble with in the past is understanding why such a young person dies and why such a God-loving person must endure such pain and suffering before leaving this world.
I know that if I were disabled in an accident I would no doubt struggle with the emotional agony of it, but I feel I would struggle to get on with my life realizing God has a purpose for me.
What I don't know is how many times I've heard myself or someone else say they can't understand why evil men seem to come away smelling the roses. They hurt innocent people, get rich easily, and seem to be reaping such success. Well, I truly believe that what goes around comes around. God for one does not condone such individuals. They will get their just desserts.
Goals
God's ultimate purpose for us is to be more and more each day like His son, Jesus Christ. What an act to follow! To give praise to Him each and every day of our lives and to interact in His love. We must be willing to become not just do. We must live before God and not before man! My goals have to be what's good for the child, not what's good for me. They should not be numerous in order to be clear to a child. A child needs to be reminded of our goals--It's our responsibility to him. It's like God stating and restating His authority.
I can't imagine existing if I didn't have goals in my life to guide me. I think my goals are to be a good wife and mom, to be a successful "friend" to all I meet, but mainly to grow spiritually and be all that God has planned for me to be. So my goals are God's goals.
Unconditional Love
The understanding of God's unconditional love makes us deal with unconditional love in our lives. Mother's love is unconditional love. The only unconditional love I ever truly felt as a child was that of my Grandmothers. I owe all that I am (other than to God) to her. She gave me all of herself as freely as though I were her daughter. She was always kind, forgiving, and so very patient. She never asked anything in return. I suppose obedience came naturally. She was a wonderful "Mother". I think I could learn so much from Gramma's example towards my own children; if you don't have the answers, if you don't know how to handle their problems--just love them.
I must always remember a child's home is their haven away from the problems and pressures of the outside world. Their room is their own turf.
I must also learn to creatively love. Pull away so they can grow. If God is patient with all of us, surely we can be patient with one child.
Mercy is giving us what we don't deserve, and
Grace is not giving us what we deserve.
Jonah did not want God to be forgiving to Niveneh and twelve years later Nivenah took over Judah.
God's kindness, tolerance and patience leads us to repentance. (We've got to slow down.) God planned to destroy Nevineh-But he relented when he saw them change their wicked ways and humble themselves. "Jonah" It is okay to relent with a child. We want a change of heart from them rather than have to punish them. The more children can see God through us, the more God will be clear in their lives.
Discipline
This is not easy to do consistently right. I don't know how many times I only wished my kids could have been graced with obedience, but no such luck. I think the best way to handle our children's problems is to meditate on our past problem situations. How did I learn from my own experiences as a child? What is the best direction to take? I do not want my child to suffer a punishment. I relent sometimes because I put so much faith in this child that he will understand his wrong doing and "never" do it again. We can get angry, but we won't abandon the child. In Exodus 33 God is very angry. But instead of abandoning His people he sends them an angel. He is not willing to bring hardships. He gives into us over and over again.
A good "punishment" for a child who got a bad grade on his report card is a book to read. Especially a book which has God's blessings. A child can only learn.
God cannot tolerate "grumbling". God was angry with the grumbling Isrealites, but over and over again He forgave them. God is forgiveness, and forgiveness is uninterrupted love. God always relents and forgives a man who humbles himself.
We never grieve enough over our sins. We must come to grips with God's forgiveness in our lives in order to deal properly with our children and friends, etc. Do my children see me criticizing other people or holding grudges? We are the best influence our children will get in their growing, tender years. A person walking in the spiritual love of God or spiritual light will undoubtedly influence those around him. He knows when to forgive and relent. It sounds so easy.
Once you commit yourself totally to the "abandonment of God" the more He will give back into your life. He will proportion Himself appropriately. Don't always look at punishment and suffering and blame God. It hurts Him, too. Are we holding on? Yes, Release our hearts.
Do we allow consequences? Do we walk along the side of our children? God frees us to make choices; we must free our children.
Protectiveness
All of my life I have felt God would look out for me, protect me much like a child finds comfort and guidance in a parent's custody. However, and even now, I have a terrible fear of flying. I also see tragic endings in my mind. Why? If I turned myself over to God's care totally, I shouldn't be afraid of my husband's fast-driving. I would know I would be protected from any accident and the children wouldn't even get scratched.
With my children I am always the one who doesn't want them riding their bikes down the hill too fast, skateboarding, traveling in someone elses car, going swimming without my supervision and the silliest thing of all? I can't even swim. So how can I even protect them if I were there? Well, scream and yell for help--that's for sure.
I hold onto my children too tightly. I feel a strangle hold on my heart when they ask me if they can go spend the night over at a friend's home, for instance. I'm protective and possessive at the same time. God gave these two pretty terrific boys over into my arms and after all, they are His children first. I don't want to lose them carelessly.
Sean Michael was seven years old and was spending Father's Day with his father. They were both in a horrible car accident. It was only a miracle that Sean didn't suffer brain damage, let alone die from the collision. For the period of time that I couldn't get to him I was hysterical. Out of control--seeking out all my sins and knowing in my heart God was angry with me. But once I saw him I realized after talking to police, paramedics, doctors, and firemen, it was definitely a "miracle" that Sean survived. All of a sudden I felt God's presence in that hospital. I knew He was protecting both of us. Sean from dying, and myself from collapsing right there in the emergency room.
But out of that experience I became more possessive and protective. No way do I look for tragedy and want to kiss it. In many ways it is my strong need to know their always all right. Maybe I do not trust their judgment. They haven't convinced me that they are independently responsible about what is good for their well-being. I am again thinking what is best from my point of view. I'm self-centered.
It's obvious to me there are pros and cons regarding my protectiveness. Hopefully they will feel loved and safe, knowing I love them so much and won't let any harm come to them. A child can grow very content in this security (or very claustrophobic). To be overly protective can smother a child and keep him from growing in his own independence, maturing, and being responsible, recognizing dangerous situations himself before they become such.
To walk along side a child when he is hurting can have a very valuable affect on him. Not only will he learn he can reach out for help, but also learn to reach out and help others in times of need. He can feel so protected by having a "friend" in us. Even if he made a shameful mistake, by walking along by his side, he is reassured of my love for him. That nothing could alter our bond. God would never abandon us! He will always love us and walk along our side. How can we not be humble beside him. Obviously, my child will humble himself if he were wrong and I never turned my back on him. He would repent and hopefully never repeat his shameful mistake. Hopefully a learning comes from this and he will also be a forgiving individual.
"The Lord keeps close watch over the whole world,
to give strength to those hearts that are loyal
to Him. You have acted foolishly and so from now on you
will always be at war."2Chron16:9.
Heart
God deals very slowly with us, but we want Him to deal very quickly with others. In the same way we must deal slowly with our kids. They must see our decisions as "not power", but for reasons "concerning" them. Everything we are and do comes from the heart. Children, of course, are influenced #1 by us so our example must not be hypocritical or again the children will not take heart and respect our authority. Until we understand "we are nothing without God" we will always be critical of others.
God allows us choices in life leading to the consequences for ourselves. I'm finding extreme odds in this world trying to do the best I can to raise Bryan. Sean even though at seventeen, occasionally worries me. (He writes gruesomely violent stories for his Creative Writing class.) I'm sure his female teacher will wonder how this "good kid" comes up with such a bloody imagination. I'm definitely curious. If Bryan were doing such I'd be absolutely in shock--I'd imagine Bryan on the path to violence in his own life. That's the difference in children. Sean is calm, well-behaved, and loved by all. Bryan has an independent nature and has tried to hold the reins since day one. But the child has a loving flame burning deep inside that could never be overlooked. Oh sure, teachers have had their fair share of headaches handling this seven year old's high-strung, determined, and tough-shelled exterior.
The biggest problem raising Bryan to be a happy, positive child is to avoid all the negative realities he is faced with. Now, that's a challenge. Let's see, there is T.V. with sex, violence, an unhealthy family quality such as divorce, physical force and abusive language, to name a few. So obviously there are many negative forces working against us. I can't just pull the plug on the TV not after seven years of "friendship".
Even movies that appeal to children, like StarWars has substance in it that can have an impact on a child. Nightmares and sleepwalking are among Bryan's emotional makeup. It seems obvious something causes this. Obviously programs need to be screened first hand. It seems to me at this time that the most valuable information that I've learned is to try and think positive at all times. Get away from negative remarks. Make Bryan realize we admire his tastes and are proud of him. If we look for all his good qualities instead of his not-so-terrific ones we will be overwhelmed with just how many wonderful qualities he does have.
As hard as it is, I must try to keep a gentle tone of voice, and Bryan really can push a Mom and Dad's patience to the limit. But if I can succeed in not blowing my fuse, Bryan benefits tenfold in his attitude later. Also, our children take on our behaviors as they mature into adulthood. We influence the way they will be raising our grandchildren. What we do now and how we do it lasts forever.
I cant believe I wrote this in 1986... wow---if only I knew what hell Bryan would put us through in the years after, I would have locked him in the closet till he was 21 while pleading the blood of Jesus on each wall -- high and low -- the ceiling --- the floor.
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