Secrets

Let's face it---I have always been crazy about my father. My feelings were unusually protective even at a very young age. Most likely this motherly behavior on my part was because any memories of my mother had pretty much faded due to her absence and my heart clung to my father. His love was needed badly since my emotional state was drenched in abandonment issues.

My father was not only handsome with his clear blue eyes and curly black hair, but charming, flirty, and funny as all get out.He was an only child and pretty much spoiled. Being very naive, it never occurred to me just how talented he was at lying and not a day went by that my father did not frequent the bars on his way to and from work. He would have had to be deathly ill to sustain from drinking even a beer. He loved to drink and socialize. He was addicted to alcohol and people.

There were many times when Dad would take me with him to "run an errand." Inevitably he would stop at one of his favorite bars during this time away from his irritable wife and crying babies. You could say I was his "cover" because he seemed to think she wouldn't suspect his carousing with me tagging along. For me, well, not only was I happy to be out from under the "irritable" wife's unpredictable anger, but I was just so excited that my father wanted little ole me to share some one on one with him. It was so thrilling my heart would race and pound. When Dad would stop for a drink or three I would have to sit alone in the car for what would feel like my next birthday had passed me by. Sometimes he would come out and check on me, rambling off a dirty joke he just heard and telling me he would be through in just a few more minutes, returning to his bar friends. What he called minutes felt like an eternity.

When Dad would finally return to the car he would tell me that this little "stop" was our secret. Not one word of this was to be mentioned to the "irritable" wife. I can remember feeling such a terrible guilt about having to keep any kind of "secret". Being an honest person, secrets were not very easy for me to deal with. If questioned it would be impossible to lie. But, because I adored my father, this little secret was also a feeling of comradeship--and for heaven's sake I was starving for my father's love.

It was years later when my sister Tracey told me about HER little trips with Dad. My heart about stopped dead. It was so shocking to hear her reminisce about the "secrets" she had to keep. I never had a clue that he did the same thing with her. Tracey was such a stinker as a kid it seemed far-fetched that he would trust Tracey to keep secrets. So, I told Tracey how odd that seemed to me and she started laughing real hard. She told me that dad had to bribe her with lots and lots of candy, ice cream, and treats while she was waiting in the car. She would almost beg him to take her with him when he would leave the house just because she knew she could make a killing on junk food. If that didn't beat all----my loyalty got me zilch..nada....however, Tracey did have lots of dental problems in the years after so maybe I should be grateful that Dad knew he could trust me straight out.

And I am sure you are wondering how my bad boy father fared with the "irritable" wife? It was not long before she caught on to his rotten behavior. One day daddy's two secret-keepers found themselves locked out of the house, sitting on the front steps in the midst of all dad's clothing strewn about the lawn. The "irritable" wife yelled "You two girls can just wait for your bleeped y bleep bleep father to come and get you!" as her eyes were about to bulge out of her eye sockets while even the neighbors across the street most likely could see the steam rising out of her ears....she was pissed! Well, it was a bit of a time later when daddy drove up looking rather embarrassed to see all his clothes and his two girls sitting out front. He just looked at us as he gathered up his things and told us to get in the car. He said "Guess we aren't welcomed here any longer!" Ya think?